*Due to some reasons, the chatbox is taken down until further notice. (Until when i figure out how to settle it...to be exact.)
Finally, once again I see myself typing a post here. Honestly I never thought I will do something like this ever again. It has been 2 years plus since I really type something down here.
How to start...
I don't even know how to start...
Sometimes I feel so lost, sometimes I feel motivated and sometimes I feel so depressed.
Even though I'm currently studying in university, a childhood dream since like sec 2..? Maybe not really childhood. Its really a funny thing how it became a dream. It all started when I watched this anime "love Hina". It used to be my favourite anime of all times but now it seemed so fake and stupid.( Or maybe people who believe in it who are stupid.)
So the story was talking about how this guy worked hard all the way into university because in his childhood days he promised a girl he likes that they would meet in Tokyo University one day and they would study and graduate together and eventually get married. That's when in the past, during my sec 2 days I was like watching this anime with glittering eyes and wanted to be like that guy. But currently now it is totally different.
Even though Im studying now, I feel lost at times. One of the most confusing things is that I should have not wasted anytime and studied hard and graduated faster from secondary school. So I would not have wasted so much time and since now Im like so old. But on the other hand, if things did not happen as the way it should be like now, I won't have known so many great friends , poly friends, outside friends, my ex girlfriend.
If given me the chance to trade of a year or two of graduating early and changing the past...while trading of these wonderful people I have met in my life, I won't do it. Seriously, I will never do it.
Who knows if I graduate earlier, but without these people knowing me, I would have been so alone. Even though there were rough times, but in the end everyone grew up together and learn together about life and each other.
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Sometimes I really dislike my mother. But I know sometimes she is right just that I can't accept the harsh reality. Or maybe sometimes I just don't like her being right.
I still can remember afew months ago around 3+am in the morning I walked to her room and sat beside her bed. After that I woke her up and started breaking down. This incident was not something to be proud of but it taught me an important lesson.
Sometimes I really wonder why am I such a person who gets too attached to memories and people. To other guys I may look sissified which I seriously hate it. It's really hard recovering from my past r/s. It wasn't easy at all. Things are different this time from my 1st breakup. Somehow it is much more painful. Sometimes I tend to wonder why.
Being attached to memories to me, is not a good thing. I feel that, even if I have good memories, they will eventually turn into something that can hurt me badly. The reason is because those memories are just memories from then on. They will never come true ever again and thats what they are already. It is something one can wish for again to happen but it is not going to ever happen again.
That is the part that hurts me badly. When most of the nights even now when I lay down on my bed and try to get to sleep, these memories will float into my mind and made me depressed.Sometimes, tears will just flow out naturally when I am just staring into blank space. Until recently when I am super fed up, I have been taking "GabaNite"; a solution which acts like sleeping pills. Works well but tastes bad.
No matter how warm and happy memories are, it somehow produce the same undesirable effect on me. These "memories of warmth" will slowly "corrupt" themselves. It is normally said that happy memories will keep people happy and positive. But to me it just sounds like "Hey u just lost something. U get to think about it as a consolation prize."
In other to solve this, I try to study hard so that my mind can be occupy by something dead. But I know it will only be something temporary. Maybe if one day I can really figure out or find what is truly to be happy then I will start believing again.
For an example of what I am talking about, take the Australia trip I went to. I was there for 10 days. Honestly, that was the happiest days of my entire life. Because I was so happy, I grew attached to the place so much that when I close my eyes and think about it I can totally feel the feeling when I was there. Everything exactly the same. I even felt I was living there and feel like migrating there someday. It's the kind of city I wanna live in besides Singapore. The nightlife and scenery there was breath taking.
But that is all to it. Happy times don't last, they normally say.com . And in the end I know that even though now how I wish I can rewind and experience it again, its not going to happen...nor it will happen the second time. This is what that is hurtng me on most nights.
Maybe my mother was true afterall. That night when I broke down in front of her, I told her I was thinking about my ex. I told her I was thinking about her and worried about her; somehow I wanna keep her all to myself is not because I want to own her or something, but is because I know that I love her so much that I won't ever want to experience any kind of hurt from others and I know I will never ever bear to hurt her in anyway. Am I weird?
And so my mother carried on to yell at me and all that. That when maybe I finally figure out such a thing about myself. Even though I maybe the one thinking about her almost everytime and everynight (just that I didnt mention to anymore much and "act yi ge normal"), I myself may have already turned into a memory. As my mother said that even though I think so much, she will just be doing her own things as normal.
Memories can be forgotten. And I really took heart be prepared for it at that time. I really did; like a baby first experience in a swimming pool...not going to know what will ever happen to him.
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